Ask Dr. G Love: Super Shy to the rescue

Hi Dr. G Love,

I don’t know what to do about this woman who has been plaguing my dreams for a while now. We’ve talked over the phone for the last 2 yrs or so. She is gorgeous and smart. And she is many states away so although we’ve talked about getting together before it never came to fruition. We’ve always talked on a platonic & friendly level until this summer. She started calling me very regularly asking me to come visit specifically the weekend of Pride. She also made it very clear what her intentions were… very clear lol. She’s somewhat new to the life and is very curious about all things “lesbian sex”and she wants to be taught a few things by me. In principal, I’m more than happy to oblige but truthfully I am scared to meet her. I talked my way out of that one but now she wants to visit me. Problem is I am in a voluntarily single/building my self-image phase. I keep thinking what if she isn’t feeling me? Am I good enough? I was comfortable being flirty over the phone or online. But now… I have mentioned my hesitation but she told me I am taking it too seriously and that she just wants to meet–no expectations. Am I overreacting? I mean I am not opposed to casual sex (so long as it’s safe) I guess I just prefer that she has more interest in me than just that. Especially because I truly do like her–she might be thinking the exact opposite at this point. Have I stressed that I am working against a self-esteem issue here? I really would like your input.

-Super Shy

Dear Super Shy,

No, you’re not overreacting. This is serious stuff. Finally meeting someone in the flesh after the safety of a long distance flirtation can be seriously scary. Especially if you have been in the lovely little insular cocoon of a single phase and focusing on your self-image building. Ultimately only you know if you are ready to unveil this Self you have been working on. I suspect that you ARE ready, or you would not be flirting with some sexy girl and writing me for advise.

So, with that said, I suggest you embrace the SUPER in Super Shy and trust that you are perfect and beautiful in this moment of your personal evolution. We are all constantly revamping our self esteem and self awareness. Even when we’re in Extroverted Fabulous mode. It is part of life. The project of evolution- it seems – is never ending. So if you wait til you’re done evolving, I fear you may be in the grave, my dear. I mean honestly what’s the worst thing that could happen? You two meet and don’t hit it off? Join the club.

Love thyself!
Dr. G Love

Dear DOCTOR G LOVE,

There has been this cute coworker who I find to be sexy. We have done some flirting and have enjoyed talking at company parties. Recently I was sent to a conference along with another person from the company. I was excited to hear that the company also sent her. The conference went ok. I was happy because I got to spend more time with her. We hit it off and ended up having sex the night after the conference. I liked it a lot. I enjoyed her scent, the smoothness of her skin, touching and being touch by her, and being with her sexually. We have returned back to the workplace and have not mentioned anything about what happened. I would like our relationship to continue. How should I go about letting her know? What advice do you have about workplace relationships?

Cheers,
Eric

Dear Eric,

The first thing that crosses my mind is what kind of relationship would you like to continue? Purely sexual? A friendship? A courtship? This – you must first be clear about before you approach your co-worker. Now, workplace relationships can be very tricky and also can be very fruitful. One of the main tricky points with mixing business and pleasure is what do you do if/when you break-up? If the relationship becomes messy – work becomes messy. If for instance, jealousy and madness breaks out in the relationship (a common occurrence) are you both ready to deal with the repercussions at work? Just some food for thought.

On the flip side, having a sexual partner nearby and working with you all day can turn an ordinary work day into the stuff of fantasy. You suddenly find yourself smiling at the people you hate most, laughing at the stupid chain emails you get, and surfing all the relationship horoscope sites. This can really help to pass the time. But again, you must be clear about what you’re interested in and then propose it to her. Clearly and honestly. You can send her a letter, or ask her on a date, call her on the phone, something. Either way, a workplace relationship should be one with open and clear lines of communication and the ball is in your court to approach your co-worker and let her know how you are feeling. I’m sure she will appreciate it.

Good Luck,
Dr. G Love

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ASK DR. G LOVE: The Kiss Exchange

Hi Dr G Love,

Here is some background. I have been hosting an exchange student from abroad for over a year. I have enjoyed having this young man in my household. I have been enjoying learning about another culture and country. My children also have been enjoying having someone from abroad in our house. We have done many fun things with him. The nature of our relationship may be changing. About a month and a half ago he started making a point to give me a hug and telling me “good night” before he went to bed each night. This progressed to hugging and a good night kiss. Thankfully my children have not seen him hugging and kissing me before bed. When this first happened I giggled but have come to like it. Recently he has been acting more sexual lately. I first thought that men from his culture were just sexual forward. So are I know. But he does not seem that way to other people. He has given some sexual innuendos and first started hinting about my sex life. About a week or so ago he said that he wondered how many times I have had sex and wondered who would be next. I am guessing that he would like to do it with me. In some ways I feel flattered and it would be nice. What are some considerations I need to consider before engaging in a sexual relationship with him?

Regards,

E.

Dear. E,

Well, well, well. You have quite a romance novel fantasy on your hands don’t you? Very nice. Very sticky. Veeeerrry Sticky. Just how I like em. So… The Sexpert in me (emphasis on the Sex) is thrilled about the possibility of you and the foreign exchange hunk having the international Sexcapade of the year. This guy is flirting, you are attracted to him, he’s not staying for long, but is here now – handy, and you are available. Recipe for success. You two start exchanging glances at the lunch table, footsie at the dinner table, you put the kids to bed and you and him sit closer each evening on the couch until… One evening when you think you might burst and your panties are so wet you wonder if you’re leaving a small lagoon on the upholstery through your jeans, you’re on top of each other and soaring off to your bed where the Olympic games begin. This could happen.

Now, the Sexpert in me (emphasis on Expert) has some logistical concerns:

How old is this student – how old are you? Is this liason even legal? Speaking of legalities, what kind of contract have you signed as his host family? Should this romance go south will he be able to come after you with an attitude problem AND a contract to back him and his lawyer up? Your kids? Is this cool with them around? How much longer is he gonna be with you and your family? Does he have somewhere else to go if Drama ensues? STD’s? Be sure and be safe – don’t believe nuthin he tells ya, baby.

Well, E, I wish you the best case scenario of luck. If somethin’ fabulous happens – keep me posted.

Dr. G Love

Dear Dr. G Love:

I have been out of college for a two years. However, I have been tutoring a college junior in math. He is fun and a good person to tutor. Lately, I have been getting the idea that he wants more to our relationship. He has said some things that may be sexual innuendos. Maybe I am a bit to blame. I have treated like a friend, talked to him, provided food and drinks for our tutoring time. Last time he kissed me after our tutoring time. I do think he is cute and I am happy that a college guy finds me attractive. I am thinking about to allow our relationship to grow and perhaps include sex. Is it ok to make sex a reward to doing good work? How should I start the bargain? Is saying I know that you want to do it with me a good place to start?

Sincerely,

HT

Dear HT,

BTW, does HT stand for Hot Tutor? Umm yes. It’s okay to make sex a reward for doing good work. Absolutely. You both just need to make sure you have a binding contractual agreement. Be it verbal written psychic or otherwise, it needs to be clear and then I vote that you become the most demanding, on point, enthusiastic tutor this boy has ever imagined. I encourage you to journey deep into sexy school teacher fantasy mode. Should you choose to take this mission it may prove to be a rather satisfying bright light shining in the collective consciousness of our dismal educational system. And believe you me – we’re all grateful for that.

So, for the love of learning. Go on and do it, girl. And do it right.

Dr. G Love

Ask Dr. G Love: The Pressure Points

Hi Dr. G Love,

I am 21 and new to the lgbt community. I do not identify as neither, but I have been frequenting lgbt events with a friend who has recently become bi-curious. I have shared these thoughts for some time and am now having the opportunity to explore them. I’ve met a couple of women that I thought were attractive (I have leaned towards “butch”/aggressive women because I ‘m not sure how comfortable I am being with someone in a passive role), but I am not sure where to go from here. I don’t want to ask the wrong questions and I don’t want to assume that they want to be treated like or compared with men just b/c they are “butch” I also don’t know anything about lesbian sexual experiences so I don’t know what to do in that department either and I feel like my fears are unattractive and may lead to me missing out. I appreciate any advice you have.

–
a bit confused

Dear a bit confused,

Welcome to the community! May you flourish and prosper in love, pleasure, and the joys queerdom. With that said, let’s clear some things up. First of all, there are no wrong questions. If you like a woman you can walk right up to her and start a conversation. I know, that sounds like a wild suggestion, but guess what? Women, butch femme and everything in-be-tween like to be approached. It feels good. Butch women, in fact, have lately in my presence been putting it out there that they would appreciate more communication on the part of femmes et al. Even if they don’t dance, they would love if you asked.

The good news about the lgbt community is we rarely bite (at first) so you should be relatively safe. The only thing to look out for is a jealous girlfriend/lover/date somewhere in the wings – if you miss that, you may encounter some serious drama of the sort that only women can bring. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” so they say. So put in the effort to take note or inquire around if a woman is available before you approach her.

As for comparing women to men, you are right. Women are women and a butch/aggressive woman is a completely different animal than a bio-boy. Even the butchest of the butches are gonna come with that special flava that only a woman can bring. The main point is, every woman is her own self. The only way to discover a woman is to set out on the adventure. If you honestly speak to a potential lover about your concerns, fears, desires, and questions you should be well on your way to discovering the joys of queer sex, love, and relationships.

Have faith, and be yourself,
Dr. G Love

Hello Dr. G Love,

Ok, I just saw you on a U People episode. Loved it. Getting to business though… I want to know what do you know about pressure points and massages? I want to know how I can possible touch my woman to create strong and direct sensations to all parts of her body, mind, soul, and spirit. I’d appreciate if you could help me out. One Love and God Bless.

Dear One Love and God Bless,

I agree. Let’s get right to business…

Here are some head to toe sensual pressure points that you can incorporate into your massages, foreplay, and lovemaking. You will want to make sure you have relaxed your partner with a light massage to her back or perhaps her feet – to open her up to your sensual touch. Then using a pressure that begins lightly and may increase with time and her sensitivity, you can rub these points in clockwise circles to stimulate and pleasure your partner.

The temples. Be sure and use light pressure on these very sensitive areas found just above the ears at the hairline.

The third eye (in the center of the forehead) using light touch to relieve tension.

Occipital Ridge. This erogenous zone is in the two points that are found on either side of the area where the spine meets the skull (you’ll find the little hollows in the bone). Put your fingertips on these points and gradually increase the pressure for about 30 seconds to a minute.

Back of the Neck. This erogenous zone, is located in the middle of the tendons on either side of her neck. You will then want to knead the shoulder muscles slowly and deeply.

Behind the knees. Use your index and middle fingers to apply gentle pressure between the two tendons behind her knees, you can choose to kiss or lick this very sensitive area as well. Be aware that this can be a ticklish spot. This relieves stress and fatigue, and promotes relaxation.

Back of the ankle. This pleasurable point is in the indent of her outer anklebone, between the ankle and the Achilles tendon.

Bottom of the foot. This erotic pressure point is located on the bottoms of the feet, 2/3 of the distance from the heel to the ball of the foot. You need to press firmly with two fingers or your thumbs to get into this fleshy area. It will energize your partner and create pure bliss.

Well, hope this gets you off to a sexy and stimulating start.

All Power to the Lovers,
Dr. G Love

Ask Dr. G Love: Later Alligator…

Dear Dr G Love,

I just turned 18 last month. My bf and I have been dating a while.
We are both virgins. We both have expressed a desire to have sex. I
have decided that I want the first time to be in my bed. I think my
room is good because we both would be comfortable and could take
our time. I live with my single mother. The only problem is my
mother. She has said that she does not want to find me having sex.
However, she has a bf. I have heard her and her bf having sex
recently. I have mention that I have heard them doing it. She has
said that they were expressing their love for each other. I don’t
mind hearing them. I just wish that I too could have the chance for
my bf and I to have sex. I don’t want to sneak around or worry
about being caught or quite. There may me some noises of my bf and
I expressing our love for each other as well. After all I am 18
now. I would guess that my mother has figured that my bf and I want
to do it too. How can I start a conversation with her on this
topic? How can I ask for permission to do it with my bf in my room?
What can I say? What information/ advice do you have?

Thank you .

later alligator,
Leah

Hi Later Alligator,

I like your question a lot. First of all, you seem to have a very healthy approach to sexuality and to your family. That’s a beautiful thing and it puts a smile on my face. What you are expressing is a need to have integrity with both your love life and your mother. Your question reflects a very loving and mature attitude towards your growth into womanhood. Now, what you must do is harness this maturity and approach your mother with calm, clear honesty. (Sometimes easier said than done)
You must remember that it is difficult for most mothers to see their children grow up into sexual beings. So, there is a good chance that your mother is uncomfortable with “allowing” her daughter to have sex in her own home. She may be asking herself: is that responsible? Irresponsible? Poor parenting?…These are some legitimate concerns that may trouble your mother around this decision. Therefore, it is going to require that you be the caring adult in this conversation – seeing and respecting both sides of the story.

I suggest that you express your feelings and desires clearly – including the fact that you don’t want to be sneaky or uncomfortable as you begin your next phase of womanhood as a loving and sexual being. You should try to make your mother understand that you are honoring both her and yourself by making this decision and by sharing it with her. Perhaps you can arrange to have this rendezvous with your boyfriend when your mother is not home. It being her house and you being her daughter, it really may be too overwhelming for her to be home and possibly hear you and your boyfriend having sex. If the two of you are willing to sit down in a loving quiet space and treat this conversation as a rite of passage into the next phase of your relationship as mother and daughter, you may find that this is one of the truly powerful experiences of your relationship with each other.

The best of luck and love.

Dr. G Love

Hello Dr. G Love,

I have a question about sexual consent and women. Does sexual consent need to be gotten each time orally or are there other ways sexual consent can be given? It does not seem that people stop during foreplay and ask each other about consent. How are some ways in which a woman can give sexual consent non-orally? Tell of possible ways a woman may give consent. Maybe kissing is a form of consent however a woman may kiss with no desire for sex. If a woman is touching her own breasts is this an invite for her man to do the same and considered consent?

hope to hear from ya soon

Matt

Dear Matt,

Sexual consent is something that has to be taken very seriously on a case by case basis. When you ask “does sexual consent need to be gotten each time” do you mean each time you have sexual relations with the same woman or a different one? And ultimately the answer is YES – to both.  Yes you can, during foreplay, ask if you can touch your partner’s breast or remove an article of clothing or kiss her inner thigh or slide your hand up her skirt… Do you get my drift yet? Asking for consent can be very sexy. You don’t have to “stop” to ask. It’s all part of sexuality and be-ing present with your lover. If you are having sex then no matter what needs to happen – Be Sexy About It.

Another way to secure consent is to discuss sex in advance. You can discuss your sexual histories, STD’s, likes, dislikes, erogenous zones, safe words, whatever comes to mind. On the topic of safe-words, (a safe-word is a word that you and your partner decide to use during sex that means STOP! – this word should be a word that you both pre-agree on and  is not a word that you might use during sex – for instance “Pineapple”) often people reserve the use of safe-words for “rough play” or S/M bondage role play, but this is not the only kind of sexual interaction where a safe-word is helpful.

Having a safe word – especially if you are practicing casual sex with new partners – can be a great way to insure you don’t overstep your boundaries with another person’s comfort zone. Many people may feel more comfortable just knowing that you were caring enough to ask about consent and desire. And the more at ease you and your partner(s) are, the better the sex is.

I would say a general rule of thumb around consent is – If you’re asking yourself, then you should be asking your partner.

Enjoy and be safe,
Dr. G Love

Ask Dr. G Love: Sex in the Laundry Room

Dear Dr. G Love,

I am in a long term relationship. Sex is very important for us. We like trying it in different places. We want to try sex in the laundry room. We have heard about it but have not done it. What information/advice do you have about sex in a laundry room? What sex positions work well in the laundry room? What are some fun things that can be done as part of laundry room sex?
kind regards,
Clean N SExy

Dear Clean N SExy,

The laundry room hmm? Well, I guess it depends on whether or not it is a private laundry room or a shared one in an apartment building. Either way, the great thing that laundry rooms have to offer the amorous is GOOD VIBRATIONS. Especially during the spin cycle. If it’s not a stack washer dryer, then getting it on while at least one of you is on top of the washer can be fun.

Now, to make things even more exciting, you can add a little scullery maid or house-girl/boy/boi/person role play to the mix. (This is best done in a private laundry room but, some people like to be risky…) This can then include costumes, props, a story line and a real opportunity to let fantasy take over.

In long term relationships, fantasy is your friend. It can really reignite the sexual energy of a partnership to share and indulge in new fantasies and new ways of being sexual together. Just the act of taking the time to sit down and discuss sexual fantasies with a long-term partner can be hot. It can also be challenging. It’s amazing how we can fall into playing the same roles with our committed partners . This might be a good time for you to try switching up on some traditional roles in your relationship. If one of you is usually the aggressive one maybe tonight in the laundry room – it’s the other way around. Or maybe not. Whatever the case get creative. Push your selves into uncharted territories.

The beauty of a long term sexual relationship that is often overlooked is the intimate safety and security created between two people over time. You and your partner know each other well now. You know what turns each other on. You know you can trust each other with those freaky little fantasies you’ve maybe been a little hesitant to share… AND YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKIN ABOUT.

So, my Love’s get to it. And DO IT till your satisfied.

XXX
Dr. G Love

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For more information about Dr. G Love's healing practices click here.

Dear Dr. G Love,

I am in a great relationship. I just bought a new home. My boyfriend and I are in the process of breaking it in. We are going to have sex in every room of the house. We are looking to make an evening of it in every room. We will be moving to the living room. What information do you have about living room sex?
We really would like to do it on every piece of furniture. What info do you have about doing it on the sofa, chair, coffee table, and end tables? What guidance do you have about other
fun activities and sex positions? Thanks for the reply.

Cheers,
VJ

Dear VJ,

Ask Dr. G Love a question here
For more information about Dr. G Love's healing practices click here.

Ask Dr. G Love: What’s a Woman to do…

Dr.  G Love can now be read as a weekly column appearing every Tuesday and Friday.

Dear Dr.G Love,

I’m 33 years old, and have been out since college. I have had a few long distance relationships which meant long periods apart and most intimacy was over the phone. I had almost given up hope of finding someone local since I live in a small town.

I met someone a couple of months ago. She lives an hour from me and we have a great time together. I really like her and we clicked so easily until the first time we attempted to be intimate. Its not that she is a full figured woman. I am a big woman and I have dated larger women before. The first time she kissed me, she tasted like a smoker and it grossed me out. She has since quit smoking. Then there is the matter of her private area. As I was about to pleasure her orally I was completely turned off by the way she looked down there. She is considerably fleshy in the pubic hair area, and I wasn’t able to see or feel her clitoris even when she said that she was aroused. Since that time we have not been intimate and I have not once been turned on by her when we are together. We have done the phone sex thing a few times, though. I’m beginning to think that perhaps my long distance relationships have crippled me because I don’t know how to act in actual face to face relationship situations.

I have expressed to her that I feel that we should be just friends, but she says that she feels more for me and can not be just my friend. I value the friendship that we are developing and would like to keep it without having to be in a relationship with her. How do I tell her the truth without sounding cruel and losing her completely? Is that even possible?

HELP!!!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Well, darling, welcome to the dating scene. There are some real perks to long distance dating and one is that you don’t actually have to be physically intimate. Chemistry is a real thing. And although a person may meet all of our intellectual requirements/needs/desires on paper, they can still give you the instantly – dried up turn off – when you touch them. Now this is not to say that there is anything wrong with this person or with you – just with you and this person together sexually.

It’s okay to be physically incompatible with someone without tripping on your politics or inadequacies or feelings of honesty. Responding to your gut feeling is an act of honesty that serves both you and this person with integrity and respect. “Hurting” her feelings by telling her the truth is hardly the worst thing you can do to her. Engaging in intimate physical acts with her when you are not enjoying yourself as much as she is, is a sure fire way to really hurt her feelings. Very few women want to be humored into feeling sexy by someone who is un-attracted to or repulsed by them. Believe me, she will know AND she will feel bad if you lead her on with no intention of pursuing a real love relationship.

Yes, you are looking for Ms. Right (goddess knows we all are), but you can’t invent her or mold her or convince yourself that someone who is not her could maybe.. ya know? … possibly in the right light …uhh… when the moon is conjunct with a certain constellation … be her. You feel me?

Keep hope alive and long live the passionate pursuit of love!

Dr. G Love

Dear, Dr. G Love,

Hi. I’m not sure if my desires to be with a woman both sexually and in just ‘friendship’ relationships are fantasy or suppressed lesbian desires. I’ve always been attracted to women AND men. I’ve only had long term relationships with men. I’ve had a couple of one night stands with a woman but I was more on the receiving end on one and just kissing and rubbing with the other. Through the years I’ve always had desires to be with a woman and often fantasize about that possibility. I sometimes think I can truly live as a lesbian and then there are times when I don’t think I could handle the ‘pressure’ of totally coming out because I am also attracted to men. I’ve gone to some womyn only type meetings to mingle with other womyn but nothing really transpired out of that because I usually get responses that no one is interested in relating to me because I am not “lesbian” but more “bisexual”. Sure, I would love to meet a woman and have a long term ‘friendship’ with benefits so to speak ). Other bisexual groups I’ve found more or less want three-some type relationships and I’m not interested in that. It’s really frustrating. I guess I’m being very unrealistic with the type of relationship I want?

What’s a woman to do?

Dear, What’s a woman to do?,

Girl, this whole love life, desire, personal revolution thing is a real super challenge ain’t it? It sounds to me like you are open to loving women and have not found your way to actually doing it yet. The only advise I have is to be clear and honest with yourself about what you are feeling/desiring and let the vibrational frequency of that (sometimes known as prayer, laws of attraction or witchcraft) do it’s thing.

One thing that does come to mind, is that you give yourself permission to BE yourself. I know, we’re all hung up on labels and tribes and group identifications etc. but honestly, do you think Love cares? Do you think Passion cares? Since when were you overcome with a burning rational Desire? Desire is it’s own entity and we’re forever trying to own it, curb it, classify it, understand it, CONTROL IT! And guess what, centuries of poetry and philosophy and dissertations and advise columns later – we don’t know a damn thing about why we wanna get wit who we wanna get wit, baby. We just do. So I encourage you to have faith in your self and in your desires.

With that said, What do you want? A “long-term ‘friendship’ with benefits” is different that a girlfriend. Any good woman will intuitively feel this conflict of desire from you and respond accordingly. Bisexuality is possibly the scapegoat classification to cover for your own personal conflict in your love pursuits. Are you looking for love? Are you looking for a relationship? Are you looking for one night stands? Often the generalization that lesbians are not interested in bi-sexuals is not based so much on a dislike of men or a judgement of your range of sexual desire, so much as it is in an avoidance of getting intimately involved with someone who is afraid to commit. And don’t misinterpret the word commit here – even a one night stand requires the commitment to go all out sexually with a stranger that you don’t intend to be intimate with again. My feeling is once you get clear with yourself, the Universe will reveal the path to you. Then the choice is yours to take it or not.

Every human moment and every human decision is best executed with commitment.

- Dr. G Love

Ask Dr. G Love a question here
For more information about Dr. G Love’s healing practices click here.

Ask Dr. G Love – Episode #4

Dr. G Love answers some more of your questions and has a special message for her viewers.

Ask Dr. G Love – Episode #3

Dr. G Love answers questions about finding that special “One” and helps define for one woman what “Liberated” truly means.

Ask Dr. G Love: Episode #2 “Getting It Good”

Dr. G Love is back to wrestle with questions of love, sex and fantasy. This new episode includes answers to crushes, coming out for the second time and pre-emptive lubrication!

Ask Dr. G Love [Debut Episode]

In the debut episode of Ask Dr. G Love on www.iloveupeople.com Dr. G love answers questions for a couple curious about polyamory and a young lesbian still on the fence about herself.

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