Ask Dr. G Love: Later Alligator…
September 23, 2008
Dear Dr G Love,
I just turned 18 last month. My bf and I have been dating a while.
We are both virgins. We both have expressed a desire to have sex. I
have decided that I want the first time to be in my bed. I think my
room is good because we both would be comfortable and could take
our time. I live with my single mother. The only problem is my
mother. She has said that she does not want to find me having sex.
However, she has a bf. I have heard her and her bf having sex
recently. I have mention that I have heard them doing it. She has
said that they were expressing their love for each other. I don’t
mind hearing them. I just wish that I too could have the chance for
my bf and I to have sex. I don’t want to sneak around or worry
about being caught or quite. There may me some noises of my bf and
I expressing our love for each other as well. After all I am 18
now. I would guess that my mother has figured that my bf and I want
to do it too. How can I start a conversation with her on this
topic? How can I ask for permission to do it with my bf in my room?
What can I say? What information/ advice do you have?Thank you .
later alligator,
Leah
Hi Later Alligator,
I like your question a lot. First of all, you seem to have a very healthy approach to sexuality and to your family. That’s a beautiful thing and it puts a smile on my face. What you are expressing is a need to have integrity with both your love life and your mother. Your question reflects a very loving and mature attitude towards your growth into womanhood. Now, what you must do is harness this maturity and approach your mother with calm, clear honesty. (Sometimes easier said than done)
You must remember that it is difficult for most mothers to see their children grow up into sexual beings. So, there is a good chance that your mother is uncomfortable with “allowing” her daughter to have sex in her own home. She may be asking herself: is that responsible? Irresponsible? Poor parenting?…These are some legitimate concerns that may trouble your mother around this decision. Therefore, it is going to require that you be the caring adult in this conversation – seeing and respecting both sides of the story.
I suggest that you express your feelings and desires clearly – including the fact that you don’t want to be sneaky or uncomfortable as you begin your next phase of womanhood as a loving and sexual being. You should try to make your mother understand that you are honoring both her and yourself by making this decision and by sharing it with her. Perhaps you can arrange to have this rendezvous with your boyfriend when your mother is not home. It being her house and you being her daughter, it really may be too overwhelming for her to be home and possibly hear you and your boyfriend having sex. If the two of you are willing to sit down in a loving quiet space and treat this conversation as a rite of passage into the next phase of your relationship as mother and daughter, you may find that this is one of the truly powerful experiences of your relationship with each other.
The best of luck and love.
Dr. G Love
Hello Dr. G Love,
I have a question about sexual consent and women. Does sexual consent need to be gotten each time orally or are there other ways sexual consent can be given? It does not seem that people stop during foreplay and ask each other about consent. How are some ways in which a woman can give sexual consent non-orally? Tell of possible ways a woman may give consent. Maybe kissing is a form of consent however a woman may kiss with no desire for sex. If a woman is touching her own breasts is this an invite for her man to do the same and considered consent?
hope to hear from ya soon
Matt
Dear Matt,
Sexual consent is something that has to be taken very seriously on a case by case basis. When you ask “does sexual consent need to be gotten each time” do you mean each time you have sexual relations with the same woman or a different one? And ultimately the answer is YES – to both. Yes you can, during foreplay, ask if you can touch your partner’s breast or remove an article of clothing or kiss her inner thigh or slide your hand up her skirt… Do you get my drift yet? Asking for consent can be very sexy. You don’t have to “stop” to ask. It’s all part of sexuality and be-ing present with your lover. If you are having sex then no matter what needs to happen – Be Sexy About It.
Another way to secure consent is to discuss sex in advance. You can discuss your sexual histories, STD’s, likes, dislikes, erogenous zones, safe words, whatever comes to mind. On the topic of safe-words, (a safe-word is a word that you and your partner decide to use during sex that means STOP! – this word should be a word that you both pre-agree on and is not a word that you might use during sex – for instance “Pineapple”) often people reserve the use of safe-words for “rough play” or S/M bondage role play, but this is not the only kind of sexual interaction where a safe-word is helpful.
Having a safe word – especially if you are practicing casual sex with new partners – can be a great way to insure you don’t overstep your boundaries with another person’s comfort zone. Many people may feel more comfortable just knowing that you were caring enough to ask about consent and desire. And the more at ease you and your partner(s) are, the better the sex is.
I would say a general rule of thumb around consent is – If you’re asking yourself, then you should be asking your partner.
Enjoy and be safe,
Dr. G Love
U People Podcast – Episode #21 “Got Questions?”
March 27, 2008
